I’m really not sure how to start this post…especially since the following story is one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. So, of course, I’m going to write about it for all the internet to see.
It was a cold, January night. The frigid air a perfect comparison to my desolate dating life. That was it. I was going to do it, I was going to get back in the game.
Boy was that a dumb decision.
Well, I had already gone on an exceptionally bad blind date (another post for another time) but oh no, that wasn’t going to deter me. The next night was a 25+ LDS Singles Dance. Bring it on.
I walked into the Winter Wonderland theme dance in a cute coral dress and a high dose of anxiety. After I panicked, left, and came back, I went to get the first of many drinks of water.
Awkard conversations ensued. I learned WAY too much about people way too fast. Such as the kind of diseases they had/have. Why they lost their last job. How they didn’t understand why no one liked them since they brought _________ and _________ to the table. Side note: these are good conversations to have just not in the first minute of getting to know someone.
After I had successfully talked to all six guys I figured that this was a lost cause. Then this one guy showed up. He was nice, he wasn’t freaked out by the fact that my roommates were my kids, he was smart, tall, and easy to talk to. Maybe this night wasn’t a lost cause.
Then he asked me to dance. The problem was it was a fast song so he asked if we could do the polka. For those of you who don’t know, the polka is where you jump and twirl around the room really fast..
Remember that I had had many drinks of water at this point? Remember that I have two children? Oh yeah. My fellow mommas see where this is going.
I peed with every jump. Literally every jump. Not a lot…but enough. And when you’re jumping 27 times in a row that little becomes a lot. I tried to stop early but then the stupid DJ shouted through his stupid microphone, “look at those awesome people!” and we kept going. Jumping and peeing. Kill. Me. Now.
Finally, I stopped him and said, “So sorry! I just need a minute.” I booked it to the bathroom but it was too late. The damage was done. As I tried to clean myself up the best I could under the circumstance I proceeded to yell at myself in the bathroom. “You idiot! You’ve had two kids! What are you doing around jumping around like a freaking crazy person!” and so on.
Once I came out I saw a different guy on his phone giving me a weird look but frankly, I didn’t care at this point since I already wanted to melt into the floor and die. So I just made direct eye contact with him until he got uncomfortable and looked away.
As I walked back into the dance to grab my jacket and leave in shame the nice guy came up to me and kept asking me questions about me. Seriously the worst. He asked if I wanted to dance again so I awkwardly laughed and said, “I’ll take a rain check on that one” then died a little past dead because I already felt like my dress had had a rain check and all I wanted to do was go home and have a shower check but here was this nice, sweet dude just trying to get to know me.
Well, he asked for my number. I gave it to him then left as fast as I could.
I know the question you want to ask, did we ever go out? No. Because could you freaking imagine if that worked out? “Hey kids, you want to know about the first time your Dad and I danced? Take a seat…”
And no. I’m never going to a Singles Dance again.
Kaili Speaks 